The Artemis Fowl Series Decoded
by Doctor Kaminari
Summary: Oh god, I'm so sorry, but I had to do it. Translation for the Atlantis Complex is now up - slight spoilers, so beware!
1. Artemis Fowl

Phew. Just cleaned up this thing before uploading the translation from _The Atlantis Complex_, as it was an absolute mess. Anyway, here we go...

Disclaimer: The writing of the text that I've just translated belongs to Eoin Colfer. The punctuation was me, though.

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Artemis Fowl

[The prophecies of Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to Frond, Elfen King:]

I am Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to the King. But I am much more than that for I see the future, written in the phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarfs.

But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two moons ago when I was gazing into His Majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than anything I had previously seen. Because of its importance, I decided to write it down for posterity, and so I can say I told you so.

I saw an age when the people have been driven underground by the mud men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A mud man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale, he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake, for he seems a mere youth. Surely no mud boy could outwit the people? But now I see the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable warrior, scarred from a thousand battles. This Fowl shall hold the people to ransom for their most precious possession. Gold. And in spite of all our magic there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say. But there was more to see.

There is another story to come. Someone will bring the people and mud men together, the worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of Earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the people have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him. And for the first time there will be mud men below ground.

I have one clue to his identity: a riddle.

_Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall,_  
_A villainous elf is behind it all._  
_Find the one who so disappoints,_  
_Look ye to where the finger points._  
_Instead of one face this elf has two,_  
_Both speak false and none speak true._  
_While publicly he lends a helping hand,_  
_His true aim is to seize command._

I know, it's not very plain, is it. I don't understand either. But perhaps in the future, all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale.

And so ends Ohm's legacy. A warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold.

Here endeth the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions I shall repeat the prophecies once more. If you have just begun to understand the text then read on.

If you have worked out the entire message then congratulations. Now go save the world.

* * *

The text ends here. If you read everything on the page, congratulations. You have reached the end. Now go and put ice on your eyes because they're in danger of bursting.


	2. The Arctic Incident, The Eternity Code

I've put the codes for TAI and TEC together as they were both quite short - hope you don't mind.

Disclaimer: Everything below belongs to Eoin Colfer.

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Artemis Fowl and the Arctic Incident

Congratulations, human. If you have cracked this code, then you are more intelligent than most of your species. This is a message from the fairy People:

We are seeking out our allies among the mud men. Though most humans are dull-witted creatures, there are exceptions. You, for example.

The reason for your intelligence is that you have fairy ancestors. Do you feel different from those around you? Are your ears a bit pointier than most, is your tongue long enough to touch your nose? Do you dream of flying? Have you ever thought that you do not belong among the mud men? That is because you have fairy blood in your veins.

So, young mud fairy, I have a mission for you. As one of the people it is your duty to protect the Earth from those who would destroy it. You must become one of a new race of mud men who love this planet as much as the fairy folk. There is one simple rule. Use only what you need and use it wisely. Do this and the Earth will survive. Go now and begin your quest.

I shall repeat this message for those humans whose fairy intelligence is buried a bit deeper than yours.

_

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_

Artemis Fowl and the Eternity Code

[A message from Artemis Fowl. Encrypted.]

My dear newfound ally, if you have deciphered this code then you are of sufficient intelligence to aid me in my mission. You may have heard of the Fowl family and imagine this mission to be illegal or even dangerous. I promise you this is not the case. All I ask is that you help me to keep my memories where they belong. In my head.

There are certain forces at work that wish to deprive me of memories that are rightfully mine. These forces would wipe certain facts from my brain that are extremely important, not to mention valuable. Who are these forces? They are magical creatures known as the People.

I know what you are thinking. "This person, Artemis Fowl, has obviously lost his mind. Fairy people? He cannot honestly expect me to believe this nonsense." It is an understandable reaction. Two years ago I would have reacted exactly the same way.

But a lot can change in two years. I have seen green-skinned sprites fly under their own power. I have seen dwarfs use their cavernous mouths to dig tunnels. I have witnessed the healing power of elves and touched the flank of a noble centaur. These creatures exist. Take my word for it.

But as powerful as these creatures are, they fear one thing: humans. We are the only creatures with the power to overthrow their underground society. Our numbers could subdue even magic.

So the people have decided that it is too dangerous to have a human boy with fairy knowledge in his head. Soon, they will mind wipe me and this extraordinary information will disappear.

There is one way to stop this happening. I have entrusted a computer disk to a reprobate dwarf by the name of Mulch Diggums. The disk contains all my knowledge of the fairy folk. Of course, the mind wipe will cause me to forget all about the dwarf and the disk. Diggums should bring the disk to me, but common criminals are not to be trusted. I ask you to get a message to me. The message is simple. Six words only: Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.

Wherever you see one of the faithful clutching this book, repeat those words. The message will spread like a virus across the world, eventually reaching my ears. I will act upon it, putting all my resources into locating the mysterious Mister Diggums. Once I find him, the disk will reactivate all my memories and the knowledge will be mine again. Do this for me, and when I rule the world, you shall be rewarded.

Remember, Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.

Your new friend,

_Artemis Fowl the Second_


	3. The Opal Deception, The Lost Colony

I've put TOD and TLC together too. Saving space and all that...

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Artemis Fowl and the Opal Deception

[A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements Police.]

Trusted ally, if you have decoded this Gnommish message, then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this fact, because it is practical of the LEP to mindwipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the fairy People or our underground city then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans.

Of course, not all humans are greedy. You, deputy, are a noble member of your species. And clever too. We only recruit the best. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded that you were suitable for LEP membership. At the moment, you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer, you must complete four tasks.

Number 1. Decode this message: something / you / are / well / on / your / way / to / completing (For all you lazy people: **You are well on your way to completing something. **Maybe I shouldn't have told you.)

Number 2. Save the life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways. Open a window to release a trapped fly; build a bird table in your garden; release a mouse from a trap.

Number 3. Achieve a perfect score in a school test or homework assignment. In this job you need to be smart as well as fit.

Number 4. Wash yourself everyday for a week. This is a difficult assignment, especially for human boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground often in cramped tunnels, you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf.

Once you have completed these tasks, you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion. Go to your back garden or nearest green area. Make sure you are not being watched. Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a sixteen centimetre hole with a broom handle of a short stick. When your hole is ready, tap out the letters L E P in horse code. The code for LEP is as follows:

L – Tap / Tap / Wiggle / Tap

E – Wiggle / Wiggle / Tap

P – Tap / Wiggle / Drill

Do this at least a hundred times, and our underground sensors will pick up the vibrations and send an LEP officer with your uniform and orders. Good luck, deputy.

_Foaly._

_**

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**_

Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony

The demon scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people, but I wouldn't rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence trust the scrolls at your peril.

There are, however, a few basic tips for survival in a demon tribe that might be helpful if you were a human, say, and had never actually met a demon before. Which is unlikely to say the least. If you were human you wouldn't be able to read this in the first place. So.

Demon Survival Tips:

First, never stab a demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a demon with your sword; he will congratulate you for managing that but only poor warriors lose their swords and get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises give it a miss.

Second. Demons have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language, in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else's buttock, unless they stab you with your own sword; that is considered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock and a right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one, it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock, it simply means that you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise.

Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical demons assure us that the sneeze comprises of millions of tiny flying demons that zoom around the Earth until they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans, they hack into their scalps with tiny axes, causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So when a demon sneezes, immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny demons can pass on the message to the human they land on.

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Why do I even bother with this?


	4. The Time Paradox

_Sigh. _Yes indeed, I've done it again, folks. Read and translated the new AF book in one day. _Again. _

Funny thing is, this book isn't even out on Amazon. How cool is that? Most people don't get this thing until August! Chin up, people... :-D

Anyway, as you've guessed, here's the translation of the text running along the bottom of each page.

And here's the bloody disclaimer that has to go with it, or I might just be sued for everything I've got:

**Disclaimer: I own none of this stuff. None. Nada. All of it belongs to some Irish bloke called Eoin.**

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Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox

[From the collected correspondence of Opal Koboi. A series of letters between Opal Koboi, inmate number 1405 (1), Atlantis Maximum Security Penitentiary and Wing Commander Vinyaya, Haven Council.]

Koboi: My dear Wing Commander, while I realize that my first probation hearing is not due for four hundred years, I feel that it would be in the People's best interests to release me before then. After all, the humans are becoming more sophisticated daily, and a genius such as myself will be needed to ensure that fairy technology remains superior to human technology.

Vinyaya: Dream on, Koboi. You're in prison. Accept it.

Koboi: I am sensing negative vibrations from you, Wing Commander. Do not be so quick to judge. People can change; surely you accept that? I admit that once, I found the idea of being the planet's supreme power an attractive one, but hasn't secretly nurtured the dream of wiping out humanity and utterly dominating one's own peers? I see now that this dream might be unacceptable to some narrow-minded fairies and I am prepared to swear on my pixie honour that should I be released, I would not attempt to take over the world again.

Vinyaya: On your pixie honour. Wow. I'll send the transfer shuttle right away.

Koboi: I see now, Wing Commander, that you never had any intention of sending the transfer shuttle right over. In fact, you were being sarcastic. Mocking me from the safety of Police Plaza in Haven. I waited for three weeks before I realized that the shuttle was not coming for me. I packed my belongings so that I would be ready. Including my collection of model sea horses, which I fashioned from chewed cardboard. My favourite sea horses, Twinky and Goodboy, were broken in the process. Twinky cries every night over her severed tail, and Goodboy does not look so dashing without his head.  
Your callousness leaves me no alternative but to place you on my revenge list. When I am finally free of this horrible place and elevated to my rightful position as queen of the world, you will take my place in this cell and I will send my troll minions to issue daily beatings with batons fashioned from sea horse tails. A fitting punishment, I am sure you agree.

Vinyaya: See you in four hundred years.

(1): In the book, it says 1-100-0-101, but it would make sense if it was binary, so I found out the number from Rose Red Misery's translation. Thanks!

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God, Koboi is completely nuts. Sea horses from chewed cardboard? How low can you sink?


	5. The Atlantis Complex

I'm sorry, but how could I not? It only took a few seconds to re-familiarise myself with Gnommish, and then I was off! Anyway, here's the translation (slight TAC spoilers):

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Artemis Fowl and the Atlantis Complex

_[From the v-diary of Artemis Fowl II. Commentary by Dr. J. Argon, LEP consultant and Grand Probemeister of the Psych Brotherhood.]_

Artemis Fowl appears on screen. He is dishevelled and toys incessantly with a small coin. Both the untidiness and the fidgeting are most unusual. Artemis is known for his attention to detail, especially where his own grooming and presentation are concerned.

His voice too is cause for worry. Stress readings are in the nineties and his lower ranges are skewed a full third of an octave below the norm, based on comparisons with interview room recordings.

Artemis holds the coin between his thumb and forefinger, and we see that there is a circular hole in the centre. The coin obviously holds great significance for the boy. He slams it on the desk then picks it up again and spins it, unable it would seem to let it be. Early signs of compulsion. Worrying.

He speaks.

Artemis: _People called me a boy genius. A wunderkind. Perhaps I was a prodigy. But I will be fifteen soon, and too old for that label. So what am I then? A teenage criminal mastermind, perhaps, or just a common thief? Who can a thief trust? There were a few, I thought, but could I have been wrong? Is that possible?_

Artemis taps the coin against the surface of the desk precisely twenty times before speaking again. Perhaps there is no significance to the number twenty.

Artemis Fowl frowns and rubs the deep line between his brows.

Artemis: _I thought I knew everything. Now I think I know too much. This new knowledge, these compulsions are taking me over. Soon they will drive my very speech patterns. _

He taps the coin on the desk. Twenty taps again. He seems not to want to do it, but is compelled. Oh dear. It is just as Captain Short said. I am worried now. Very worried.

Note: check legality of using insulin shock or possibly psychosurgery on humans.

* * *

Artemis' descent into madness continues...


End file.
